The show can be downloaded in its entirety here, but I wouldn't recommend it. Courtesy of my multi-racial chat room participants, it's just two hours of blatant racial stereotyping. The whole thing is of course Mango's fault, since I opened up the evening to questions from the chat room and his first one was "Is it just Japanese people who love Mickey Mouse or do all of you love him?" (HAHAHAHA!) By the way, the answer is that only the Japs like Mickey Mouse, the rest of us slant eyes like Hello Kitty. And Pochaco to a lesser degree. In fact, while we're on the subject, someone get me the Judith Lieber Hello Kitty Minaudiere for Christmas. Please. It's only $2000, what a steal. I will make every person at the massage parlor/karaoke bar turn greenish yellow with envy. I will have to beat them off with the Hello Kitty gun.

Other topics discussed (once again, courtesy of the evil, evil evil people in the chat room and not my fault at all despite the fact that I was the only one with a microphone):

-How white men love 80 lb women and black men like women who are "slovenly."
-How Asian women prance around in their size 2 jeans because we should get some compensation for having no tits AND no ass (except Min, she is a big-breasted goddess. Sometimes when I hang out with her in a group, she has larger boobs than the rest of us at the table combined.)
-How black people kill off their young who are born with small penises (according to Kwame "It's for their own good.")
-How Mango's fear of getting stabbed at the Compton Swap Meet is irrational, he's more likely to get shot than stabbed.
-How there's no good racial slur for white people. The term "cracker" is weak. Who could possibly be offended by being called a food item. We love food. Food rocks. If I call you a cracker it is a deep compliment, it means I want to smother you with brie and eat you up.
-How Mike J is The Worst Jew Ever, as proven by the fact that last Saturday night a Jewish Comedian asked "Are there any Jews in the house tonight?" And Mike slunk down in his chair, grabbed his beer and tried to look as Irish as possible. Did I tell you guys that he once left a gold Star of David in a pile of urine once? Right there on the bathroom floor. Jehova was testing him and he failed completely. Abraham was willing to kill his own son.
-How Asian people sometimes have green things on their asses called "Mongolian Birthmarks" which I guess are supposed to be blue but on Asian people look green.

Anyway. Don't download it. It's horrible. We are bad, bad people. And by "we" I mean them, those people in the chat room. You know who you are. Here is a wet towel and some bottled water, may they protect you from the fires of hell.

Tequila Shots For The Radio: Volume 19

Highlights:

-In bed, some men are a bit too ambitious and change positions every three minutes. Let's do the math. If it takes at least three minutes for the woman in question to build up to an orgasm, and he's changing positions every three minutes, then the woman isn't... exactly. In the Mango Radio chat room, Kaan announced that the only position changing going on should be from vagina to ass, then mouth. Um, yeah. Maybe with the random Hoboken barsluts he likes but with normal women, if it was in the ass then it isn't going anywhere near the mouth until it's been sanitized with anti-bacterial soap. That penis should be scrubbed like it's ready to perform surgery.

-I watch some reality television, but tend to gravitate towards the shows featuring people who can do things I can't. Like Dancing With The Stars (excepting Master P of course) and my most recent viewing acquisition, Rock Star: Supernova. I don't watch shows like The Real World because I can actually get drunk and climb onto the bar for an impromptu table dance, so why would I want to waste time watching it. By the way, if I were on the show I would not choose to sing "I Will Survive" like some chick did last night. That song is the musical equivalent of Tampax. I did however, watch my very first episode of Flavor of Love the other night. The sole purpose of the show apparently, is to showcase the crackheadiest crackheads ever to hit the pipe.

-Geo and I went to the weirdest wake in the history of death this past weekend. Thankfully, I haven't been to many wakes so I was really concerned with showing the appropriate respect to the family. Geo wanted to wear a short-sleeved shirt and despite the heat I talked him into a long-sleeved black one, with a tie. We walk into the funeral home and there are people walking around in Bermuda shorts with Birkenstocks. And Hawaiian shirts. There were guys in basketball jerseys and young girls in midriff tops. Over by the casket, 15 or so kids under the age of ten were laughing and playing. People were joking and laughing, but not about the deceased, who I didn't know well (my cousin's mother-in-law) but who was a very sweet woman. At one point, I had to tell my friend that his 3-year-old daughter was climbing into the coffin. It was pure insanity. Finally we just had to leave, because we were so disconcerted. It was bizarre. Geo said if his wake was like that he was going to haunt the ever-living shit out of us. I replied that if people even wore shorts and Birkenstocks to my funeral, I would refuse to cross over into the light and instead haunt the fuck out of them at the worst times, like in the shower or during sex or when they're taking a dump. Insanity.

The show was a bit of a mess. As usual, I got distracted by the evil, evil people in the chat room, who this time were posting up links to bestiality porn. Which of course I clicked on because I'm an idiot. Which made me completely digress from anything I was planning to say, and explore that disgusting, disgusting topic.

Also, I was buzzed. Damn them all to Idaho. They don't deserve hell but they at least deserve Idaho.

The musical theme of the night was "Songs From Official Movie Soundtracks" and included:

"#1 Crush" by Garbage (Romeo and Juliet soundtrack)
"I Want You To Want Me" by Letters To Cleo (10 Things I Hate About You soundtrack)
"Pass The Dutchie" by Modest Youth (The Wedding Singer soundtrack)
"Melt With You" by Bowling For Soup (Sky High soundtrack)
"All I Want Is You" by U2 (Reality Bites soundtrack)
"Baby It's Cold Outside" by Leon Redbone/Zooey Deschanel (Elf soundtrack)
"I Walk The Line" by Johnny Cash (Walk The Line soundtrack)
"Ghetto Superstar" by ODB, Pras and Mya (Bulworth soundtrack)
"If You Leave" by OMD (Pretty In Pink soundtrack)
"Scotty Doesn't Know" by Lustra (Eurotrip soundtrack)

And I don't know what else because I was drunk. And got kicked off the air so it stopped recording.

No theme to the show, I played some Nas, Cypress, Tribe and dancehall reggae. In the middle of the program, we had an interview with Cris and Alix of the Chaos Radio Show and determined that they were both complete liars. They said it would take millions and millions and even then they may not agree to suck a dick. I say it would take $100K in cash and a bottle of Jack. The liquor would be inversely proportional to the money of course. Maybe $50K and 2 bottles of Jack. Or $85 bucks and 11 bottles of Jack.

4 shots of tequila in the first minute of the show so... I'm not certain the show actually makes sense. Which I guess is the norm.

There was discussion on:

Men who bang chickens on farmlove.com
How Mango's brother got a handjob from a girl with a hook.
How the guy who won American Idol should be taken out and beaten, preferably to one of the songs I played.

I did have a musical theme though, which was "Songs That Make You Feel Like Beating Someone's Ass." It included everything from "Bodies" by Drowning Pool to "Quiet Storm" by Mobb Deep and the techno Mortal Kombat theme.

Tequila Shots For The Radio: Volume 9

As I warned people repeatedly beforehand, last night's show was not for the faint of heart. The official musical theme was "HORRIBLY CRAPPY SONGS THAT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE WISH THEY WERE DEAD... BUT THAT I FOR SOME REASON LIKE." Seriously. I was both laughing and crying as I made my playlist. NO sane person admits to liking these songs in public. Then again, from the comments in the old post I'm apparently not the only one given to enjoying crappy music on occasion.

The song list included (and again, I'm not proud of this):

"The Sign" by Ace of Bass
"Skater Boy" by Avril Lavigne
"Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry
"Fantasy" by Mariah Carey
"Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" by Milli Vanilli
"Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot
"When I Dream About You" by Stevie B
"Just Want You To Know" by The Backstreet Boys (which I heard last weekend for the first time and instantly added to my "Crap" folder but listen to repeatedly.)

And more. I must have apologized during the show about 800 times. But people who know me well understand that the apology is for appearances only. Secretly I am pleased to be inflicting bad music on people, who are secretly pleased it is being inflicted upon them.

I also talked about some stuff but I'll just toss it into a blog post someday. The full show is available for download here, but you might want a few drinks first. It better facilitates the whole bobbing-your-head-to-The-Vengaboys thing.

The first half hour of the show is missing. No idea why. But oh well.

I didn't prepare for the show AT ALL because I suck and not in a good way. Well, not just in the good way. So at 9:55 p.m. I stole a meme from Nicole's site and used it to prompt myself. With that I think Tequila Shots For The Radio has reached new lows, but people seemed to dig it. I did have a musical theme though, which was "80's Dance Party."

Highlights:

-My first prom date was with my ex, who was the son of a Baptist minister. His parents caught us getting a bit frisky once. Which led to an hour-and-a-half long lecture in the middle of his family barbeque, in front of his entire family and extended relatives mind you. Naturally the chat room was going nuts with things like "Did you mount his cross?" and "Did he spray you with his holy water" after this story. Blasphemers. Okay that last one was me.

-My first body piercing was my nose, back in 1995. I was dating Tony at the time and he came with me to the parlor. The piercing guy busted out the needle which was like half a foot long and thick as hell. It looked like after he was going to jam that shit through my nose, he was going to go knit a sweater. My roommate Faby went first and all was well. When he did mine however, he pierced a blood vessel or whatever and a crapload of blood came gushing down my face. Tony, in all his 6-4 manly man glory started swaying and almost passed out at the sight. So I stood there with blood everywhere going "Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?"

-My first boyfriend was a cute little Filipino boy in my first grade class named Eddie. He used to hold my hand at recess, until one day this third grader came by and took him. That little slut. I bet you that right now, somewhere in this world, that thief is now a 32-year-old woman being jizzed on by 10 different men simultaneously.

And more of the usual.

The musical theme was "Songs That We Used To Jam To In College" (1993-1997) and consisted of Cypress, Heltah Skeltah, Cranberries, OMD, Blackstreet, old school deep house and other stuff. There were a lot more songs in the queue but it was one of those nights were I talked and talked, then glanced at the clock and realized a crapload of time had gone by and I hadn't played that many songs.

Highlights:

-Sometimes the drunken nights end in ways that are truly ludicrous and my fault entirely. A few years ago, Geo and I came home from a night of drinking and drank some more. As usual, we felt frisky after all the liquor and started getting down and dirty on the sheepskin rug in our living room. In the middle of it all, Geo started getting dizzy so we stopped and he went to the bathroom. In the short time he was there, I somehow completely lost track of what we had been doing and decided I was hungry. We used to live above a band and when we had come in for the night, I accidentally left my take-out on the table in their studio. So I put on a robe and went downstairs to get my food. While down there, a couple of the band members asked me about these piranha we used to have that were like a foot long. I invited them back upstairs, again having completely forgotten what Geo and I had been doing.

We get upstairs, I open the door and there is Geo laying butt naked on the rug... and I have no idea why. So I start yelling like he's some sort of deviant pervert "Geo!!!! What are you doing NAKED?!?!?!" He sees the guys behind me and grabs this big Sponge Bob Squarepants stuffed animal my nephew left behind, using it as a smooshy yellow fig leaf. I proceed to tell the guys to go ahead and check the piranha out, even while Geo is sitting there naked. They were so confused because either

a) I was trying to concoct some elaborate pron scheme but Geo wasn't on board with it or
b) Their naked friend was in the middle of having sex with his girlfriend, who for some reason was telling them to go look at their fish tank.

I can't tell that story without laughing hysterically but I truly am a complete idiot sometimes. Luckily Geo didn't kick his crazy girlfriend to the curb after that.

-Dean asked in the chat room "If a girl loses her virginity doing it doggy will it have a negative effect on her psyche?" The answer is yes. If a girl loses it that way then she spends the rest of her life banging strange men and asking them to jizz on her face.

-How I once dipped into the herbal essences and when Tony and my roommates in college walked in, I was flying high and watching "Butt Banged Bicycle Babes" (about 11 inches from the screen by the way) and eating chocolate chip cookies dipped in tap water since we didn't have milk.

Those are the highlights but there's much more of course.

There was no theme for this week, people are probably still recovering from my last one. "Big Hair 80's" wasn't a complete hit, which I don't understand. What's not fun about men with teased up hair and eyeliner. Possibly the shortage of midgets. Midgets make everything more fun.

Notes:

-My friends like to exaggerate my reputation for humor's sake. I don't think my karma should have to take a hit for that. Last week two cars were blocking the way, one in each lane, chit-chatting with each other. We wait patiently for over a minute for them to finish their conversation so we can pass. I stick my head out the window and say something to the effect of "Are you gonna stay there all night or what?" A few minutes later on the highway, one of the cars started showing off and tried to gun the engine and race past his friend. He lost control of the car, did a 360 and ricocheted off the guard rail. We checked to make sure he was okay when we drove past and he was fine. Mike goes, "I have to call Tony." Ten seconds later and I hear "Riss yelled at a guy and he crashed." Yeah that's not really fair.

-I'm not saying the rep is undeserved. I'm not deluded. I went snooping through my former brother-in-law's letters once to see what he was spending the thousands of dollars he owed me on and the first line of the first letter came from some girl in Cali who said "So what's it like living with the Wicked Witch of the West?" Whorebag by the way. I remember her vaguely and I was always nice to her even though she was so user-friendly that none of the other girls would speak to her.

-The rest of the show consists of music, sick stories about shit I've done in the past on dares (that trust me you don't want to hear), the usual observations on sex and me rambling about yet more of my crazy dreams. I still need to learn how to think slower so I can talk slower. Don't know how I'm going to do that though.

Download here.

Last week's theme was "Songs To Strip To" so this week I decided to go with "Songs From The Big Hair 80's."

I have a lot of great memories that are brought back by these hair bands.
Anisa was my partner in big hair band groupiness. As weird as I looked being an Asian chick diggin' on hard rock, she looked even weirder because she was Indian. Indian like saag paneer and chicken tikka masala, not Indian like Pocahontas and Chingachgook. When I was 14 (and totally lying about my age) I had a pen pal in Minnesota or some shit who I found in the back of Metal Edge magazine. He was an older teenager and was moving out to Hollywood with his band Avant Garde.

Anyhoo I found out a few years ago that my pen pal is actually the lead singer of Weezer now. So I can actually say that I had "I heart Rivers Cuomo" written on my blue canvas binder with a Sharpie way before anyone else, since I was in ninth grade. It was right there between "I heart Sebastian Bach" and "I heart Kelly Nickels" (the bassist for L.A. Guns.)

Download here.

The musical theme of the show was "Songs That Are Good To Strip To." I'm speaking generally for people who wish to strip for monetary or recreational purposes. Not that I actually mount a stage and start peeling off the layers. Or rather, layer. It's kind of funny how at strip clubs, the women get on the stage in like a G-string and two gum wrappers tied together then proceed to take off the gum wrappers and ta-da, they've stripped. Stripping is a lost art. If I were a stripper I'd come onto the stage in a snowsuit and thermals over my thong and gum wrappers.

Highlights:

I started off the show with some gripes, just to get them off my chest before the happiness started:

* Someone needs to explain to me why even though my house is always cold, the monthly PSE&G bills are more expensive than black market kidneys and little adoptable Chinese babies.

* "Antibiotics" is apparently pharmaceutical code for "magic fairy tears produced in the depths of the Amazon jungle" because my little white out-sized bottle of it cost $35.

* My neighbor had concrete laid down in her yard last week. Without asking permission, her workers proceeded to use our backyard to store all the garbage that was in hers, including 6 doors, roofing, sharp metal pieces and a toilet from the apartment that was so filthy it should have been condemned. They were going to leave it there "for awhile" until I let my neighbor know that it was unacceptable and that they needed to THROW IT AWAY. This only happens in the ghetto by the way. People in Scarsdale don't look outside their windows and see nasty ass toilets.

* The Super Size menu is gone at McDonald's. I don't understand why food has to be more expensive to prevent people from eating. Next we're going to see a tax on regular mayo versus fat free mayo. Thank you Michael Moore. How about instead of attacking McDonald's you eat a fucking salad next time, instead of a double cheeseburger. When I want to lose weight I just DON'T GO to McDonald's. Or Burger King. Or Taco Bell. It's as simple as that. Anyone who tells you it's not is lying.

Myspace has hired a "Child Safety Czar" which makes me supremely jealous because I want a job title that includes the word czar. Like "Food and Liquor Consumption Czar." That works.

I like being female. For all that people spend all day long talking about the disadvantages I see nothing but advantages. But, if I were to grow a penis for a day these are some of the things I'd do:

1. Nail someone. Man, woman, sheep. If it moves I'm hittin it.
2. Jerk off. All over someone. Man, woman, sheep. If it moves I'm hittin it.
3. Get a blowjob. From a guy and a girl. Simultaneously.
4. Go to the men's room and check out my friends' penises. Gloat and take pictures if mine's bigger.

Apparently the best part of the show, was when I got sidetracked by the EVIL, EVIL chat room heathens into singing random TV show theme songs. "Here we are.. face to face... a couple of silver spoons.."

Just a warning, I'm already slipping into talking-too-fast mode. It takes a lot of effort for me to talk slow and I was worried about technical difficulties (quicksand) happening that instead of a trainwreck like last week, you have that ultra-lightning French TGV train.

Highlights:

I don't actually know what the creative inspiration was for BadgerBadgerBadger.com but the other day I was brushing my teeth and Geo came in. He proceeded to start singing "badger badger badger badger" while thrusting his hips to the beat. Then came "Muuushrooooom muuushrooooom" and finally the complete collection of family jewels for "Ohhhh, it's a snake, oh it's a snake." I of course, was bent over the sink in absolute hysteria, which he promptly took advantage of because he's sneaky like that.

That song "Dragostea Din Tei" (Numa Numa) is strangely addicting to me. Yes, that's the weird song from the commercial and the jillions of internet videos. It's sung by a bunch of Romanians. I didn't even realize Romania had anything other than genetically-engineered gymnasts who are part cyborg. Seriously. No human being should ever be able to jump in the air, do a full split then land on their genitals. It's inhuman. But Numa Numa makes me happy. So very happy. The World of Warcraft numa is fun too. Oh and Lego numa.

The other day Geo and I were "waahhhhh-ing" a la Stuttering John from Howard Stern. Wahhh the garbage smells. Waahhhhh this cereal sucks ass waahhh. And then Geo went there about how this may be the last season of 24. "Waaaahhh Jack Bauer is leaving waaahhhh." I looked at him and went "Yo you're taking it too far." Which of course cracked him up even more. But I was dead serious.

I had a dream last night that I made an accidental pron video. I was supposed to be making a kids' video like Barney or Blues Clues and instead somehow made pron without knowing it. I hope the dream isn't prophetic or anything.

These are the 5 people you meet at work in a large corporation:

* The Kiss Ass - You know this person because when the boss takes a shit, he or she has to move this person's tongue out of the way to wipe. They're always doing busywork and embellishing on stupid shit just to hear themselves talk. You can also tell them by the myriad of inside jokes they have with the big boss. Nobody should ever have inside jokes with the boss. The boss is someone to be respected, loathed or feared, he or she is not supposed to be your homeboy.
* The Ditz - You can tell this person because they sit across from you, yapping on personal phone calls the whole fucking day instead of getting back to you. Thanks to them, you have no idea what last year's Q4 Marketing budget was, but you do know that Jim the fat guy got kicked off of Survivor because they talk about it for HOURS. Each day. Even I can't talk about 24 for that long. We had a chick like this at my last job, and thanks to the dumb ergonomic bullshit they tried to apply in the office, we had low walls instead of cubicles. It was supposed to enhance brainstorming but all it did was annoy the fuck out of everyone. Sometimes I'd come back from lunch a little buzzed (it was a hostile takeover and I was hostile since they were firing everyone) and listen to her blabbing on and on about Survivor. I'd want to just reach over, take one of my no. 2 Dixon Ticonderoga pencils and stab her in the fucking eye. But then I'd think of the mess. And also, how jail sucks.
* The Post Office Worker - You can tell this guy because when you talk to him about work, for a moment there's a flash in his eye like he's mentally walking through the reception area locked and loaded.
* The Cubic Zirconia - Looks nice and useful but is worth nothing. You can tell this person because they're always using crappy office terminology when simple phrases would suffice. "We should have an ad hoc marketing meeting onsite." Dude, just fucking say "We'll meet again on the morning of the event."
* Chicken Little - Mad drama every day, the sky is always falling. This is the person that can't handle the tiniest bit of pressure, and has no organizational skills, yet manages to get placed in charge of all the major projects.

And of course I talked about sex a lot a lot a lot. Because apparently THEY said it sells.

Download here.

My trainwreck of a second show on Mango Radio is available for download here. Please ignore the "remixes" of songs with the tippy-tapping of my keys. And the songs that randomly get cut off in the middle. And the frustrated curses. And the painful minutes when I'm trying to figure out if people can hear me or not. And the volume issues. And the minutes of silence when Winamp crashed and kicked me off the broadcast. Also, ARRRRGGGGGHHHH. The show sucked big donkey balls but what can you do.

Highlights:

1. I want a whole farm of racehorses with hip-hoppy names. My first ten horses are going to be called:

GET AT ME DOG!!!
My Posse's On Broadway
Hand On The Pump
Follow The Leader
Brooklyn's Finest
Chief Rocka
Protect Ya Neck
Ghetto Superstar
Quiet Storm
(And my favorite) Bring The Pain

There will be no horse called "Passing Me By" because then it would always lose and I'd get mad. Be honest, does anyone know every single one of those horse names? Because if you do then I'm a fan.

2. There are many stereotypes about penis, and whereas most people think that Asian men get the worst of it with all the small penis assumptions, I actually think black men as a whole receive the most negative effect of penis stereotypes. Say average size for a guy is 5-6 1/2 inches. Race perception leads women to grade on a curve. So if you're an Asian guy with a 6 1/2 inch dick your Dick Evaluation says "Exceeds Expectations" and you get a raise (hee). But if you're a black guy with a huge schlong you just "Meet Expecations." There's no gold stars, company car or promotion for you. And if you're a black guy with an average size dick you get a "Does Not Meet Expectations." Women are just like "Oh."

3. Mike J has gotten over his whole aversion to strip clubs. The last time he went to Lace he got a double lap dance. The next time, he got a quadruple one. The next number in the pattern is either 6 if he's just adding 2 more each time, or 16 if he's squaring lap dances. We went to the joint on Saturday and Tony got me a dance from some chick who straddled me then stuck her hands down my shirt. I must admit it was a bit stimulating (for the first time ever) but I could have just been so drunk than any person place or thing would have sufficed.

4. My goal is to box up all my friends into neat little categories then interview them. I interviewed my friend Heide for an "Ask A Bisexual" segment. It's a good segment, thanks to her really. She talks about the lesbian space fort she made as a kid, and what poontang tastes like. Also, her boyfriend Cris has a shot at a threesome but she reserves the right to veto chicks at will.

5. Some 10-year-old kid walked by my house the other day and asked for a smoke. I asked him for I.D. Ever since then, whenever he walks by he glares at me. My neighbor got a potato thrown at her window for no reason and I think we're next. Yes, the ghetto rocks.

Once again I wasn't able to get through everyone's requests. It was just a crappy, crappy, crappy show.